I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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