I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
