he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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