Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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