I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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