just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
