Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
