I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
