Betty ford says i'm here all night
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You need Xanax blowdarts
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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