my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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