So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
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Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
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The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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