i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
