Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Dick very happy bro
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
