She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
