All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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