I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
