Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
