Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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