my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
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