Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Dear god my vagina.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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