Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
