I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
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