I met the friendliest cop last night
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
