i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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