dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
