He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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