Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm like, not good at living.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
