hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just googled if crying burns calories
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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