The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
someone threw a dead crab at me
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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