I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
