Swine flu. Run for my life!
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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