We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
