I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
