Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
