I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
