I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She bit a glass in half.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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