i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
