If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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