I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
