Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
