you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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