I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
