Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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