I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
