I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
lets start a swedish sibling band together
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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