So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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