Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
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