He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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