Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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