The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
