If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
