puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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