I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
