I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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