You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
