these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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