i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
