I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
