I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
