One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
